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Wednesday, December 31, 2003

Posted By :: At Appriximately: 12/31/2003 11:16:00 AM


Coincidence or Conspiracy?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The new U.S. $20 dollar bill contains hidden pictures of the World Trade Center and Pentagon attacks!

Yes! see for yourself...

1st) FOLD A NEW $20 BILL THIS WAY


2nd) CONTINUE TO FOLD THIS WAY
Compare your fold precisely to this picture.


3rd) FOLD THE RIGHT SIDE UNDER,
exactly as you folded the left side.
You'll immediately see the Pentagon ablaze! (red circle)


4th) NOW FLIP IT OVER AND SEE OTHER SIDE
The Twin Towers of the World Trade Center are
hit and smoking.


What are the odds that a simple geometric folding of the $20 bill would accidentally contain a representation of both terror attacks?

Need more proof?

You can even fold the $20 to say OSAMA!


Need even more proof?

9+11 = 20!

With just 2 more folds your $20 bill turns into a airplane!

COINCIDENCE? YOU DECIDE!


Monday, December 22, 2003

Posted By :: At Appriximately: 12/22/2003 06:14:00 AM

If You Work In A Call Center, And Provide Technical Support, To Fucking Morons. These 20 Rules Are For You.



1. Customers lie, they will always lie. If they say they are not lying, they are lying. So just remember customers lie.

2. If you are calling tech support for a problem with your computer, DO NOT tell me to "hold on" while your favorite football team tries to score a touchdown on TV! I will disable your cable box post haste!

3. AOL is not an Operating System, audio CD's are not bootable, you need to connect to the internet before you can visit a web-page, and Formatting the C: / drive cannot be done using FDISK from the Windows command prompt. I can't stress this enough people, it just doesn't happen that way.

4. When you have an indecisive customer, the quickest way to get their attention is to say the word Expensive. Smile and randomly say this for best effect.

5. I work nights so this is kind of specific to that. Don't call me at 1 in the morning for something that has been broken all day. If they didn't call during the day when there are more people around you can deal without until dayshift comes in...And no I'm not going to page a tech.

6. Do not call me if you can't verify ONE thing on the account and then get mad because I can't reset your email password without verification.

7. If your company/school gives you a laptop to use at home, please don’t call and expect me to bypass/delete/configure or otherwise circumvent whatever firewall/vpn/proxy or domain you have installed/setup

8. Just because you can see an executive's office from your cube does not make you a VIP, so please stop throwing names that you see on plaques on the wall.

9. Why in the fucking hell are people calling me from the road telling me that they can’t connect and they are not even at the computer. I have had no less then 8 of them today. Or the fact that they are not even the ones who use the computer and bitch at us that we are not letting them connect.

10. Yes I am in a bad mood. No I don’t care if your password is not there. SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU SLACK JAWED INBREAD DUMBASS! Ahhhhhhhhh I feel better

11. If you are new to the system and are being walked through a procedure that even the experienced people don't know, DO NOT JUMP AHEAD!!! Sorry, but I just had to spend and extra 5-10 minutes on a call because I had to restart a 30-step process to fix an error

12. The minute you put on the headset for the first time, kiss any hope you ever had of receiving anything remotely resembling good service from any other company goodbye. Then watch as it gets on the train to someplace you cannot go, leaving you forever. You are now destined to deal with canned scripts from starfish on the wrong end of the phone, and insincere, sarcastic apologies from the "newly promoted jack-@$$" type you get when you get fed up with the BS, and demand a supervisor.

13. Never, ever, ever, ever, EVER, EVER provide tech support for your FAMILY. You think customers are bad? Try helping a computer-illiterate family member. Not only will they not leave you alone, they know your HOME PHONE NUMBER and they can use Guilt and Blackmail with incredible effectiveness. If I NEVER hear from my mother again about 'all that Internet stuff I want you to look up but won't get my own computer to do it with' again, it'll be too soon for my next 3 reincarnations!

14. Universal rule....When I ask you if you have made any changes to your computer, no, is not the correct answer. Please think very hard about the last thing you did. Installing or uninstalling anything is considered a "CHANGE". Deleting windows directories at random is considered a "CHANGE" (that really happened. The guy didn't think the files were important and he needed the space). Letting your three year old kid play on the PC guarantees that something was changed. "It was working last night" is also unacceptable. I will work under the assumption that the computer was operating fine at some point in the past. This does not require a great leap of faith on my part. What does require faith and patience is dealing with twits like you that think computers have dilitium crystals powering the flux capacitor and that any computer related speech is "too complicated". I am sick of spending 30 minutes trying to get you to say something other than "the error message said something like, that file won't work" or
"Invalid thing-a-majig"........... Sorry, got caught up in the moment. One more thing. I do not understand how you think that I can possibly help you if you are calling me from your car and do not remember the error message. Do not know the model computer you have and cannot perform ANY of the diagnostics I recommend. Put it back in the box and ship it back...you are too fucking stupid to own a computer.

15. IT IS NOT MY FUCKING JOB TO TEACH YOU HOW TO USE YOUR FUCKING COMPUTER. IT IS NOT MY FUCKING FAULT THAT YOU DON'T KNOW THE FIRST FUCKING THING ABOUT NAVIGATING THE INTERNET. NOR DO I FUCKING CARE THAT YOU FEEL I AM GETTING IMPATIENT WITH YOU. I AM FUCKING SICK OF DEALING WITH YOU. DIE ALREADY!!!!!!!!
Fucking retards...

16. DON'T CALL ME ON A CELLPHONE UNLESS YOU HAVE FULL SIGNAL!! god sorry for this rant but I just got off a half hour call with a guy I had to consistently ask him to repeat himself 3 times because his fucking cell phone kept cutting him out! To make matters worse he was conducting business in the background and asking me to hold every fucking five seconds!

17. Tell us you spilled coffee in it BEFORE we try to diagnose any problems!

18. I am not a wizard. If you do not tell me what the problem is, I can’t help you. I am not a god. I can’t raise the dead or your hard disk contents. Backups do that!! I am not deaf. Yelling at me won’t make me understand what you are saying or fix your problem. Try yelling at your computer and tell me if that works!! I am not a computer genealogist. Don’t tell me everything that has happened to it since u bought it NOR FOR UR PREVIOUS ONE!! My time is money too. Keep that in mind when u go on and on and on about irrelevant things (like some other tech company that couldn’t help u) don’t think! Don’t assume. Don’t suggest. If you can do that already you could troubleshoot by yourself. And btw DONT INSIST on what you are saying either!! Between u and me I AM RIGHT!!!!!

19. If you are too busy to give tech support your undivided attention, your problem must not be that important. If your problem is not that important, my release button is not that far away.

20. Something for an EU to think about. When you call your ISP for tech support, the tech on the other end presumably knows more about technology than you do. They also have access to your name, address, phone #, social security # and have access to all your e-mail. All you know about this person is their first name and if you’re lucky, in what state they are located. Is this really the person on whom you want to release your frustrations with the most vulgar, insulting and condescending words in your pathetically feeble vocabulary. Just a thought.


Sunday, December 21, 2003

Posted By :: At Appriximately: 12/21/2003 02:43:00 PM

Back By Popular Demand, I Bring To You "MR. EX"

Part 1


Question: Is Bill Gates A Homosexual?

( Mr. Ex has joined )
Mr. Ex: Hurry The Fuck Up.
( Erin has joined )
Mr. Ex: Yo.
Erin: Hello and thank you for using MSN Interactive Online Support. My name is Erin, I will be your Online Technical Support Engineer.
Mr. Ex: Kewl. Are You A Dude OR a Bitch
Mr. Ex: ?
Erin: I am sorry, I will not be able to help you with the issue if you don't follow some chat protocols.
Mr. Ex: Why Don't You Tell Me What Those Protocols Are?
Mr. Ex: And Please call me Mr. Ex.
Erin: May I help you with any other issue today?
Mr. Ex: Yes. I Would Like To Know Exactly The Terms Of Service in Msn8. Before I sign up.
Mr. Ex: Can You Please Explain Them To ME?
Erin: I shall send you the web page that will help you to know the complete information about the services MSN offers and the features.
Erin: The web page might appear in a separate window, but you can still contact me by minimizing that window and returning to the original Chat window.
Mr. Ex: And One More Thing...
Erin: http://join.msn.com/?page=dept...ket=en-us
Mr. Ex: I got it.
Mr. Ex: one more thing though.
Erin: Sure.
Mr. Ex: First off are you a guy or a girl, before we get started?
Mr. Ex: Or Are you allowed to disclose that information?
Erin: My name is Erin. I cannot have a personal chat and disclose the information.
Mr. Ex: lol
Mr. Ex: ok
Mr. Ex: here's my question.
Mr. Ex: I Got MY pecker stuck in the floppy drive. If I Use Vaseline To Try And Slide it out, Will It Cause Any Damage To My Drive?
Mr. Ex: I Am Dead Serious
Mr. Ex: Yes OR NO??
Erin: I regret, I was unable to help you any further.
Erin: If you need any further assistance feel free to login again.
Mr. Ex: You know the term "Floppy Drive" Is very Misleading. It's Really Not All It's Cracked Up To Be.
Mr. Ex: wHY?
Erin: For your convenience and future reference, your ticket number is 141014337, you will receive
By e-mail a detailed transcript of our chat, including all site links and services. Thank you for choosing
MSN Internet Access as your online service provider. We are available 24 hours, 7 days a week. If you need
Further assistance, please come back and visit us again. I hope you have a nice day!


Part 2

Question: Will Vaseline Hurt My Floppy Drive?

( Mr. Ex has joined )
( Sireesha has joined )
Sireesha: Thank you for contacting MSN interactive online support . I am Sireesha and I will be your Online Technical Support Engineer for this issue.
Mr. Ex: Hello, Hello, Hello... Is There Anybody In There? Just Nod If You Can Hear Me. Is There Anyone Home?
Mr. Ex: Hello Sireesha
Mr. Ex: I Am IN Quite The PerDICKament
Sireesha: Hello Mr.Ex, I look forward to assisting you with your floppy issue today.
Mr. Ex: Erin Would Not Help Me
Mr. Ex: I Got MY pecker stuck in the floppy drive. If I Use Vaseline To Try And Slide it out, Will It Cause Any Damage To My Drive?
Sireesha: Before we begin, I will need to ask you some questions regarding your issue.
Mr. Ex: No Problem
Sireesha: Can you please let me know the email address you use to access your emails?
Mr. Ex: I'm All Yours
Mr. Ex: *****************@***.com
Sireesha: Thank you for the information.
Mr. Ex: I’m So Embarrassed.
Sireesha: Please allow me a moment so that I can research on your issue.
Mr. Ex: Take Your Time Hunny.
Mr. Ex: Are You Still There?
Sireesha: Yes, Mr.Ex.
Mr. Ex: Any suggestions??
Sireesha: I would like to inform you that I am not sure that will cause any damage to your drive. In order to have your question answered, you may want to contact computer vendor, as my expertise is limited just to MSN Internet Access issues. Should you need further assistance in this area, we are here 24 hours a day to assist you. Thank you for visiting MSN Interactive Online Support.
Mr. Ex: I Don't Have There Phone Number?
Sireesha: I apologize for not being able to answer your question.
Mr. Ex: Fine, But I Gotta Go Before I Get A Boner... Then My Floppy Drive Will Really Be Fucked...lol
Mr. Ex: Bye Bye.
Sireesha: Have a great day.
Mr. Ex: u2 honey
Sireesha: Good Bye. Take care.
Mr. Ex: I'm Gonna Cum
Sireesha: Mr.Ex, it was a pleasure chatting with you today about the e-mail issue. For your convenience and further reference, your ticket number is 141010266; you will receive by email a detailed transcript of our meeting. Thank you for choosing MSN as your online service provider. We are available 24hours, 7 days a week. If you need further assistance, please comeback and visit us again. Have a nice day.
( Sireesha has exited )
( Mr. Ex has exited )


Saturday, December 20, 2003

Posted By :: At Appriximately: 12/20/2003 11:35:00 AM


CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE BEER DRINKER

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed.
Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery
and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer,
they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams
come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin,
we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention,
but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin of the TV show Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory
to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:


"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this...
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.
And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones
at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd
as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group
keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the
slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells.
But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells,
making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."


Saturday, December 13, 2003

Posted By :: At Appriximately: 12/13/2003 11:23:00 AM

The Baby Is Here.
He Is One Week Ahead Of Schedule, But Atleast He Is Here Before Christmas. His Name Is Anthony Stephen.
Born Saturday, December 6, 2003. 12:03am.
Birth Weight: 7lbs. 14oz.
Birth Height: 21 Inches.
He Has A Full head Of Black Hair, Just Like His Daddy (Me). Michelle And I Are So happy To Finally have The New
Baby, And Not A Moment Too Soon. We Were Hoping To have HIm before Christmas. He Is Healthy, As I hoped.
It's Only Been A Week And He Is Spoiled Already. I Will Soon Be Starting An Online Scrapbook As The Baby Gets Older.
I'll Keep Everybody Posted.


Saturday, November 29, 2003

Posted By :: At Appriximately: 11/29/2003 05:45:00 AM

WORST VIRUS EVER ---CNN ANNOUNCED

!!PLEASE TELL EVERYONE ABOUT THIS!!

A new virus has just been discovered that has been classified by Microsoft
as the most destructive ever! This virus was discovered yesterday afternoon
by McAfee and no vaccine has yet been developed. This virus simply destroys
Sector Zero from the hard disk, where vital information for its functioning
are stored.

This virus acts in the following manner: It sends itself automatically to
all contacts on your list with the title "A Card for You"

As soon as the supposed virtual card is opened, the computer freezes so that
the user has to reboot. When the ctrl+alt+del keys or the reset button are
pressed, the virus destroys Sector Zero, thus permanently destroying the
hard disk.Yesterday in just a few hours this virus caused panic in New York,
according to news broadcast by CNN. This alert was received by an employee
of Microsoft itself.

So don't open any mails with subject: "A Virtual Card for You."

As soon as you get the mail, delete it!! Even if you know the sender!!!


Wednesday, November 26, 2003

Posted By :: At Appriximately: 11/26/2003 08:45:00 AM

Vocabulary Test for the Dirty Minded:

1. What is a four-letter word that ends in 'k' and means the same
as intercourse?

2. What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?

3. What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches
long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often
blow it?

4. What word starts with 'f ' and ends with 'u-c-k'?

5. Name five words that are each four letters long, end in ' u-n-t
' and one of which is a word for a woman?

6. What does a dog do that you can step into?

7. What four-letter word begins with 'f' and ends with' k', and if
you can't get one you can use your hands?

8. What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl
fat?

9. What four-letter word ends in 'it ' and is found on the bottom
of birdcages?

10. What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men
than on others; the Pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his
wife after they're married?


Answers:

1. talk
2. legs
3. a $20 bill
4. firetruck
5. bunt, hunt, runt, punt, aunt
6. pants
7. fork
8. Almond Joy candy bar
9. grit
10. surname


Monday, November 24, 2003

Posted By :: At Appriximately: 11/24/2003 10:33:00 AM

As A Teen, I deal With The Stereotype Of Being A Snot Nosed, Punk Kid.
Well I'm Fuckin' Sick Of It. People Who Know Me Well, Know That I Am Not
Like Your Average 19 Year Old. Here Are Just A Few Examples In Which I
Have Encountered, With In The Last Two Weeks. Only Two Weeks:

I Was In The Dollar Store, With My Girlfriend. We Were Looking Around, Everything Was Fine.
Until I Went Alone That Is, I Was Looking For A Spliter I Think, But Anyways.
I Walked Over A Few Isle's To Look, And I Noticed Someone Peeking Around The
Corner, From The End Of The Isle.So, Thought Nothing Of It. So I Proceeded With My Search.
I Walked Over To The Next Isle. I Looked Behind Me And Their Was A Cashier Standing At The
End Of The Isle, Staring A Hole, Right Through Me.
I Looked At Her And Said, "What?"
She Say's back,"Hurry Up And Buy Something".
I Replied,"Why Don't You Tell Everyone Else To Hurry Up"?
She Said To Me,"Please Get Out Of The Store".
That's When I Reached Into My Front Jacket Pocket And Took Out My Badge From Work.
And I Said, "Look Bitch!*Showing Her My Badge* That Means, "Better Job Than You". I Dont
Need To Fucking Steal From A God Damn Dollar Store. You're Pathedic. Then I Simply Walked
Out And Never Went Back.

Tomorrow I'll Tell You About My Little Tiff With The Police The Other Night.



Saturday, November 22, 2003

Posted By :: At Appriximately: 11/22/2003 07:25:00 AM

Do you remember February 1993 when a young 3 yr old
was taken from a shopping mall in Liverpool by two
10-year-old boys?

Jamie Bulger walked away from his mother for only a
second and Jon Venables took his hand and led him out
of the mall with his friend Robert Thompson. They took
Jamie on a walk for over 2 and a half miles, along the
way, stopping every now and again to torture the
poor little boy who was crying constantly for his
mummy. Finally they stopped at a railway track where
they brutally kicked him, threw stones at him, rubbed
paint in his eyes and pushed batteries up his bottom.
It was actually worse than this...

What these two boys did was so horrendous that Jamie's
mother was forbidden to identify his body. They then
left his beaten small body on the tracks so a train
could run him over to hide the mess they had created.
These two boys, even being boys, understood what they
did was wrong, hence trying to make it look like an
accident.

This week Lady Justice Butler-Sloss has awarded the
two boys anonymity for the rest of their lives when
they leave custody with new identities. We cannot let
this happen. They will also leave early this year only
serving just over half of their sentence. One paper
even stated that Robert may go on to University.
They are getting away with their crime. They
disgustingly and violently took Jamie's life away - in
return they get a new life. What In The Hell Is Wrong
With This Crazy World?


Sunday, November 16, 2003

Posted By :: At Appriximately: 11/16/2003 02:59:00 PM

Hot Summer Romance


As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong
urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget
last night. You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and
calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a
tingling sensation in me.

You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly without any
reservations, you laid on my naked body... you sensed my
indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without
any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near crazy while
you drained me. Finally I went to sleep.

Today when I woke up, you were gone, I searched for you but
to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last nights
events. My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic
ravishing, making it harder to forget you.

Tonight I will remain awake waiting for
you..............................













You fucking mosquito!


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